“I’m doing it for myself. You said I should always be open with you about my feelings “ I say almost in a whisper.
“I see. “
He hangs up .
I keep trying to swallow my saliva to stop the fires that rage in my throat . It hurts so bad but I can’t cry now, not when I’ve done something good for myself . But why do decisions we make for ourselves seem so selfish ?
Weeks passed by and my heart hurt even more. I missed him so much and created this version of life in my head where he missed me just as much . He’s probably dying to call me , he can’t live without me of course! We are soul mates.
Imagine telling someone all your insecurities and they made you feel like there was a comfort space just for you in their life. Imagine making the great mistake of letting them know you in and out ,and they take you for a ride full of bloody noses , constant insecurity and finally they take your dignity from you . In the blink of an eye they have managed to make you feel so so small.
I didn’t want to cry about it, it’s the one thing I wouldn’t allow him to do . Make me cry . We’re often told to leave as soon as the first red flag rises but no one tells you that leaving requires so much of your being ,not only physically . Let’s not get to the part where you are not yourself anymore . The part where you no longer find happiness in the existence of yourself because this one person has made you feel so empty and cold. Eating becomes hard. Your mother no longer understands you and you wish to cry at her feet and tell her she was right about the boys.
The boys are hurting me so much mama
My phone had been ringing for ages . I thought it was Anele with her never ending stories so I ignored . The person is persistent so I check the caller ID and it is unknown . I pick up and a shiver ran down my spine
‘I miss you. I know you miss me too . What we had was special babe and you can’t ruin it like that, I won’t let you’
I didn’t’t respond . I was emotionless . I was angry but I was weak . I hang up the phone and threw it across the room, it did not break . I had screamed so loud in my head it felt like my skull cracked and blood was oozing out.
Days after it was like a ghost had blown in my room and grabbed me out the door into the taxi . After what felt like hours I was at his gate . I could’ve called him but I didn’t want to , instead I grabbed the nearest stone and banged on the gate for almost 10 minutes.
One last time , one last time , one last time I will see his face and never look back.
He was not expecting me I could see from his expression . He ushered me in no greeting, no eye contact . He knew what he had done and was pretending to be oblivious. We stood in his room , my back near the window.
“Why are you here?’ he asked
I didn’t reply because that was what I kept asking myself . He laughed at my silence , he enjoyed it , making me quiet , ‘humbling’ me . Oh god he had such a beautiful laugh and that I couldn’t deny it. It made me scared too because after every laugh he would usually degrade me . Today he didn’t .
He raised his hand and I flinched thinking the worst of it . When I looked at him face to face he looked annoyed. ‘Relax’ , he said as he grabbed a cigarette from behind me on the window pane . He lit it up .
He started talking about his day at work and I wasn’t paying attention. I mean I had to nod my head every time he paused for me to agree with him , but I wasn’t listening . I kept staring at his gorgeous face and wondering where I went wrong in loving a man like him so very much that I had let my guard down. Was it his initial kindness and love ? Or maybe I was put in a spell the moment a laugh escaped from his mouth when we first met at the diner . Didn’t matter , I was going to make sure that this was the last time .
One last time , one last time , one last time I will see his face and never look back.
When I wanted to leave he held my hand . I was scared . He led me to veranda and picked a song for us . He held my waist , cigarette in mouth and I jumped a little . He held them firmly like he knew this would be the last time he would see me again. I put my arms around his neck and followed his steps . I cursed myself at the inability to carry my legs and run away . I wanted to stay a little longer . Curse myself for not being strong enough to leave when I had the chance . I am a fool for even coming here . Am I not deserving of this? situation. Maybe this is the punishment I get for straying away from my home training .
‘Stop crying’ he whispered in my ear as he took his hand off my waist to grab the cigarette.
It was then that I realized I was crying .Actual tears were flowing from my eyes . Curse me ! Curse this boy ! Curse the heavens !
I couldn’t hold it in any longer and sobbed in his neck . I sobbed for myself , my failures , my ex existence . He cupped my face in his hand and kissed me mid sob. He didn’t mind my runny nose . He kissed me and I didn’t return the action, I was repulsed by him. He kissed me harder and I’m sure I could taste metal in my mouth . I opened my eyes mid kiss and he had tears in his eyes too. It seemed as though he had given up trying to keep me .He was tired as well.
With all the energy I had left I removed myself from his grasp and ran to the gate. I was disgusted by him . He was disgusting .I could hear my name but I didn’t want to look back . I kept running until I found myself at the main road , I looked like a mess. My body felt numb but I was going to carry it back home where I was going to cry and vomit everything I have been keeping inside me and scrub myself so hard that my skin would wash off.
One last time , one last time , one last time I will see his face and never look back.
